I am 25 years old this year. I have no job. I have no girlfriend. During the day, when people are busy making a living, I sleep soundly in the room I rent. When people are asleep, I stay up all night in the Internet cafe, playing games and surfing the Internet. I know that the Internet will never be so attractive to me. The reason why I spend all day on the Internet is nothing more than to kill time. In the past, I was often shocked when I became so numb and so self-degrading. But I could never find the answer. There is always a doubt in my heart: Why did I become like this? Is it really fate? I once complained that God is unfair and fate likes to play tricks on people. If I hadn't been in a low state during the college entrance examination and got into that so-called famous university; if it wasn't for the trick of fate, I inexplicably chose such a so-called popular major and let me get in; if it wasn't for that damn school requiring me to pass the English Level 4 before graduation, so that I didn't get a college diploma and degree certificate, how could I be so miserable now? However, a few days ago, I suddenly saw an article on the Internet titled "Masturbation can cost a person's life". I read it word by word, and I was more and more frightened. The author's life experience was strangely similar to mine. The only difference was that the author's body was so weak that he became sick due to vicious masturbation. He felt so uncomfortable that he could only lie in bed all day, and he almost didn't even have the strength to get out of bed. The only difference from him was that I haven't reached his level yet. After reading this article, I couldn't help but feel a chill in my back. I was really afraid of masturbation. I didn't think the author was exaggerating, because I had all the sequelae of masturbation he wrote about - general fatigue, mental depression, memory loss, numbness, loss of self-confidence, etc. I also deeply experienced what he wrote about everything going wrong and everything going wrong since he started masturbating. So I firmly believe that if I continue to masturbate like this, I will definitely end up like him. After returning to my room, I spent the whole day in a daze. I was still shocked by the harmfulness of masturbation. The articles I read before always said something like "moderate masturbation is harmless to health and can relieve sexual pressure" and so on. Although they also mentioned the harm of excessive masturbation, which one could strike me like a flash of lightning and make me feel that masturbation is like a flood and a beast? That night, I did not stay up all night, but lay in bed, repeatedly recalling my life up to now. Finally, I finally came to this conclusion: the reason why I have this end today is completely caused by the bad habit of masturbation! It is not that God is unfair, it has given me many opportunities; it is not that fate likes to play tricks on people, it is just loyally judging everyone's good and evil. When I was a child, my family lived in a middle school in the countryside. There were no children of the same age playing with me. Although I was loved by my parents, I also had an isolated and introverted personality. But when I was a child, I was still a smart child praised by adults. I learned the third grade math in the first grade of elementary school, and I finished learning the sixth grade content in the fourth grade of elementary school. When I was a child, I was considered excellent compared to children of the same age. Occasionally, I heard praise from teachers and classmates. Although I didn't say anything, I was still very proud in my heart. At that time, I was also quite proud. Unfortunately, when I was about 12 years old in the sixth grade of elementary school, I met a group of students in the middle school where I lived who were always philandering. I felt that I could get along with them, so I often played with them. The most discussed topic among them was naturally women, and they often talked about sex. At that time, although I didn't participate in their discussions on these aspects and pretended to be disdainful on the surface, I was very curious in my heart and hoped that they would discuss more about this aspect. Later, they mentioned the evil masturbation! Although I didn't fully understand what they said at that time, I kept it in mind. In 1995, when I was in the first grade of junior high school, the school opened a physiological hygiene class. As soon as the textbooks were handed out, I curiously turned to the chapters on the male and female genitals. Although there were only pictures of the internal structure and some simple introductions, and they were not as naked as the explicit pornographic pictures that are now everywhere on the Internet, it made me blush and my heart beat fast when I first came into contact with this knowledge. After returning home that day, I actually masturbated according to the methods those guys said. From then on, I fell into this dark abyss step by step until I finally fell into it. I masturbated repeatedly, and often fantasized about the beautiful girls in school. The bad news came one after another. The first bad news was when I was in the third year of junior high school. I felt that mathematics, which I had always been best at, suddenly became more profound, and I suddenly couldn't understand many things. This was the first bad news: my analytical reasoning ability declined, or it could be said that my IQ declined. Then my math grades began to decline. However, it was close to the high school entrance examination at that time. With my years of intelligence and the foundation I had laid, I was able to cope with the math in the high school entrance examination. Although I only got over 80 points (out of 100, I always got over 95 points before), I was not too surprised. Although at that time, I did not understand why my math level dropped suddenly. When I entered high school, the bad habit of masturbation became uncontrollable. I often did it every two or three days, sometimes even once a day. The object of my sexual fantasies was usually a girl in school or a female star on TV. Then, I found that not only my analytical and reasoning ability in various subjects had declined, but also my memory was not so good. I often couldn't remember English words. I often recited words repeatedly, but I couldn't remember them when I needed them. I was often distracted in class and didn't know what I was thinking all day. However, throughout high school, perhaps my childhood intelligence was still playing a last role. My grades were still in the top five in the class and in the top 20 in the grade. According to past experience, students in the top 20 in the grade generally have no problem getting into a key university. As a result, a bigger retribution finally came. I did very badly in the college entrance examination. On July 7, when I took the first Chinese test, I was able to answer all the choices and fill-in-the-blank questions in the composition perfectly with my Chinese proficiency over the years. When it came to the composition question, for some reason, maybe it was retribution, my mind suddenly went blank when I saw the composition title, and I had no idea at all. I looked at the composition question over and over for more than half an hour, but I still hadn't figured out a clue in my mind. It wasn't until the examiner reminded me that there was still half an hour before the end of the exam that I panicked. I had no idea and had to write a lot. As a result, I wrote something that I didn't understand and didn't make sense to make up the word count. Even more unfortunately, the bell for handing in the paper rang before I even finished the word count. I don't know how I got out of the examination room. In short, it wasn't hot that day, and it seemed to be raining, but I was soaked in sweat all over my body, just like I had a serious illness. In the afternoon's chemistry test, chemistry is my strong point. I can easily solve the last two big questions when I practice, but I racked my brains but couldn't figure out how to solve them. In the end, I wrote a lot of nonsense and threw away 30 in vain. When I thought about it after the exam, it only took me a few minutes to find the solutions to these two questions. Was it time? Was it fate? Needless to say, my math score was so bad at that time that I couldn't bear to look at it. It was no surprise what I got. Physics was also my strong point, but in the end, just like chemistry, I couldn't think of the solutions to a few extremely simple questions. I began to doubt my mind. English, on the other hand, didn't have any big surprises. If there were any more surprises, I wouldn't be able to get into that university. After the exam, I felt that this time was over. I couldn't even think about getting into a key university. Repeating the exam? I never thought about it at all. Because, in my subconscious, I seemed to think that this was my true performance, and repeating the exam for another year might not necessarily get a good score. So, I rejected the advice of my family and didn't choose to repeat the exam. The day before filling out the application form, when I was chatting with my deskmate, I asked him what major he wanted to apply for. He said he wanted to apply for law the most. This major is so popular! You will be a judge when you graduate, and if you are not good enough, you can become a lawyer, which is also very free. I originally wanted to apply for a science major such as computer science or biology, chemistry, etc. After hearing what this guy said, I was possessed by some ghost, and I don’t know what happened. Later, when I discussed my choice with my family, I actually said that I wanted to apply for law. My family members found it incredible. But they supported my choice. I have to admit that my parents are great and they would not oppose my own decision. However, at that time, if they opposed me to apply for this major, how great it would be! I might not end up like this today. So, I applied for the law major of our provincial university. Later, I always felt that I must have been bewitched when I filled in the application. Otherwise, why would I choose this so-called popular major? You know, I have never been exposed to anything about this major before, and I don’t know what this major is about. Now I understand that it was the retribution of evil. The way of evil retribution is not to sentence a person to death immediately. That year was 2001. What's more, the final result is that I was still more than ten points short of the score for this major, but the admissions officer chose to admit me. If they hadn't admitted me, maybe I wouldn't have entered this school, maybe I would have entered the ordinary undergraduate colleges that I filled in as my second or third choice, and maybe I wouldn't have faced the English Level 4 that made me hate it. Is it time? Is it fate? God's punishment, it really can't be escaped. After entering university, I found that the things in this major, its theories, its concepts, and its ways of doing things were not what I liked at all. I prefer majors that can be done by myself, such as biology, chemistry, etc. The major of law, for me, who is a science major, is completely incomprehensible. I think those theoretical things in the textbooks are useless. If you want to really learn something in this major, you have to do an internship. But the school has never arranged any internships, and all I do all day is learn some boring theories. Gradually, I became more and more disgusted with this major. During this period, I became addicted to the Internet and video games. At this time, I started to come into contact with pornographic websites, pornographic pictures and pornographic videos. After watching them, I often couldn't restrain myself. The more I watched, the more I couldn't extricate myself. I could only relieve myself by masturbation. However, although I tried my best to hint to myself that I should control my desire and stop watching those pornographic things, whenever there was no one in the dormitory, I would unconsciously open pornographic websites. Later, I fell in love with a girl in the same grade. She was not very beautiful, but she was very good, very temperamental and lively. I liked her temperament and her personality. At that time, my memory had seriously declined, and I couldn't remember English words at all. The only thing that was outstanding among students of the same grade was my computer level. Several times, she took the initiative to come to me and ask me about some computer things. Naturally, I was ecstatic and tried my best to explain those things to her as clearly as possible. After several interactions, I thought she had a good impression of me, but I didn't expect that I would find out that my position in her heart was no different from that of other boys. I thought she didn't have a relationship with expression, so I sent several letters and hinted at her several times. Unexpectedly, she didn't even reply to me. My heart went cold. I knew that if she was just not good at expressing herself, she would never ignore my suggestive letters. I knew I was being too sentimental. So, I gave up on myself for a while. Basically, as long as no one was in the dormitory, I would open the pornographic websites and browse them to my heart's content. I also desperately downloaded those pornographic videos and pictures and saved a lot of them on my computer. Every time I masturbated, I imagined the object of my sexual fantasies to be that girl. At this time, I was already a junior, and my grades were terrible. The school had a rule that you had to pass the English Level 4 before you could get a diploma. At this time, students who had not passed the English Level 4 basically worked hard to study English. But I played computer games in the dormitory and browsed pornographic websites when no one was around, and I didn't know the passage of time at all. When I graduated from my senior year, I was the only one in the whole grade who didn't pass the English Level 4 and didn't get a diploma and degree certificate. Many classmates felt sorry for us. After all, the two of us didn't behave that badly in school. Except for our relatively poor grades, we didn't make any mistakes like other bad students. They all thought that if we study harder, we can pass the English Level 4 and graduate successfully. It's finally over. There is nothing worth remembering about my university. I won't miss the people there, nor will I miss what happened. I didn't achieve anything, wasted four years, and finally didn't get a diploma. This is my university. However, I didn't feel any regret, because my heart had long been numb and I didn't know what regret was. Because I didn't have a diploma, after several unsuccessful attempts to find a job, I also lost all my confidence and stopped looking for a job. In fact, because I was psychologically self-enclosed and rejected to interact with others, I didn't want to find a job. I stayed alone in the city where I lived when I was in college, found a location with the lowest monthly rent, rented a single room and lived there. Every day during the day, people were busy working, and I was sleeping. At night, after I woke up, I went to have a midnight snack, and after having a midnight snack, I went to the Internet cafe to stay up all night. Sometimes I played games, sometimes I browsed normal web pages, and sometimes I opened porn communities, and when no one was around, I quietly opened porn videos. This is a day in the life of a completely depraved soul. And so, two years have passed since I graduated from college.